Improve Emotional Intelligence & Personal Growth by the Power of Imagining the Thought Garden

What I See

Often in counseling, when progress slows to a creeping crawl and gets stuck, I notice that rigid negative thinking is active. For instance, one of my men might lament that he is not good enough. Or a recovered drinker struggling with abstinence might blame her husband for a relapse. Or a triggered spouse might lapse into contempt or critical talk. These can be tiresome, repeated refrains. Breathing and softly processing might give temporary relief but usually lacks lasting impact. These kind of thoughts and feelings have deep and sometimes tangled roots. In this article learn techniques to identify and alter unhelpful thinking patterns like these.

Source and Nature of Thoughts

Emotions are the scotch tape of memory. Our brain remembers significant events and beliefs due to the powerful emotions felt in those moments. For example, repeated harsh criticism and shame can seal the memory of the events and associate them with the rigid belief that “I am not good enough.” Unavailable parents in times of crisis, especially repeatedly, can be remembered as extremely lonely and abandoned and be associated with the belief that “I am not worthy.”

Our brains keep track of these thoughts and feelings and when prompted by present-day emotions and events, bring them up for us. This “bringing up” is like automatic retrieval and it is a feature, not a bug, of memory. But sometimes this automatic recall can severely impair our present-day mental health and relationships. If our partner drifts away, or when we sense a certain body language, or when we see a certain advertisement—these might prompt our brain to “bring up” or awaken a hard thought and feeling. This process is completely invisible.

Thoughts and feelings from the past awakened by present day events feel very real and may be mistaken for today’s reality. Their cumulative effect can create cognitive distortions. We may become attached to them, believe they are true and identify with them. However, they are echoes of a different time. Here is a thought: Don’t Believe Everything You Think! (bumper sticker from the 80s).

Observing Thoughts

Bubbled up thoughts and feelings can hijack relationships and bog a person down in negative thinking which can affect all aspects of life. Worse, we may conflate those thoughts and feelings with our self, causing us to implicitly believe they are true and adopt them into our identity. This  cripples our present moment and diminishes our open presence with others. 

To control these thoughts and reduce their power you must first learn to observe them in a nonjudgmental way. Or put another way, to make an inventory of them. Find a time and place to think about your thoughts. Perhaps these thoughts will rush in. Or you may need to work at remembering them. Or perhaps you have a thought journal. Daniel Siegel has provided an excellent framework to observe thoughts within a healthy mindfulness practice called the Wheel of Awareness.

Allow the thoughts to take form. Just observe them. Let them be. Ask these questions: What was this thought about? What was the emotion? What is the related belief? Where and when did it come from? Do your best to externalize yourself from each thought and observe them. Try not to judge or banish them. This is just an inventory.

The Thought Garden

The intervention of observing thoughts is well-documented as a healing practice. After practicing the observation of thoughts for a while, try to imagine your thoughts collectively as a “thought garden” or a weedy patch!

Think about the kind of plants your thoughts would be. For example, are they weeds or flowers? Are they winding, tangling or choking plants? Are they burred or smooth? Do they attract or repel? Are they flowers or weeds that suck energy away from flowers? Are these thoughts like perennial plants that persistently come back? Or are they like annual flowers that needs to be planted and fed.

Then imagine them in a setting. Maybe it is like a garden, a neglected garden or a tangled weedy ditch! This introduces the idea that thoughts, considered collectively, have purpose or randomness. This implies we can we prune our thought garden of random bubbled-up thoughts from the past and plant new thoughts that are fruitful and purposeful, helpful or caring. These types of thoughts require intentionality and nurture. 

Think About What Type of Thought Garden You Want

You can apply these concepts to your relationships, your work life and your personal life. Think about the thoughts you think that are not intentional, not purposeful, not loving, not fruitful. Use the technique of observation and imagination to see and feel how unhelpful they are. This will diminish their power and their frequency. 

Now, think about planting an intentional thought garden. You may need to seed it with thoughts from poetry, scripture, life-giving relationships, music or good books. You may need to pause and think about your thoughts as they occur and decide whether to indulge them or not. You may want to be proactive and intentional about your thoughts, even to think about thoughts ahead of time. Ask, what would be purposeful, loving, fruitful and attractive thoughts? Practice thinking.

Application to Counseling

The thought garden is a way of thought pattern change and is one of many mental health strategies. This way of thinking, which can be thought of as an application of cognitive restructuring therapy, has an enormous application for counseling.

In Men’s Counseling, taking inventory of angry or lustful thoughts may help you to gain control and power over them, and replace them with loving and faithful thoughts. In Couples Therapy, taking inventory of critical, contemptuous, snarky or avoidant thoughts can help to stabilize you in the difficult moments of conflict. Planning and planting new thoughts of forgiveness or listening can help you to be present and loving in relationship. In Addiction Recovery, feelings and thoughts of loneliness and boredom can be captured and replaced with thoughts that lead to connection to worthwhile pursuits or loved ones. Over time, what may have been a tangled mess of weeds and vines can be cleared and replaced with life-giving thoughts.

Challenge

Know that many negative thoughts and emotions are ripples of the past. Know that you are not your thoughts and learn to challenge them. Observe them by taking inventory of them. Describe them with words and imagination. Think about how these thoughts are life-giving or life-sucking. Think about how they would look in a garden. Then think about what a new garden would look like and be like. Think about and imagine the new plants. Rehearse the thoughts in your mind. Plant and nurture your new thought garden. Guard it from decay that comes with neglect. You are not your habitual thoughts, but you can be what you want your thoughts to be.

Want help with this? Contact me and visit my office, a Warming Hut in Storms of Life. Come in person or online and let’s get to work on your new Thought Garden!

Watch my video, Mike Makes a Thought Garden!